It's wonderful that you are open to thinking about other ways of limit-setting with your children. Many of us would like to be different from our parents. Our challenge is that it is a lot easier to talk about what we're not going to do than it is to figure out what we're going to do instead. The other obstacle is that when we are stressed (as we often are in discipline situations), it is easier to fall back into old patterns than to try something new. However, you have done the most important work towards making the change. You have decided that you really want to do things differently. Here are some ideas for carrying out your vision:

Model what you want your child to learn. Many of us begin to reconsider spanking when we figure out that children learn more from our actions than they do from anything we tell them. Through being spanked, children learn that hitting is acceptable and that it's okay for them to be hit. Modeling a respectful problem-solving approach will help children learn self-control and teach them how to build caring relationships.

You don't have to be perfect from the start. As parents, when we make a decision to change, we often want to have our new system perfectly in place immediately. Making core changes takes time.

Work to develop other discipline techniques. It is important to remember that you can be clear, consistent and firm in your limit-setting with children without using punishment or spanking. Here are some strategies:

State limits positively. Telling children what we want them to do rather than what we don't want them to do helps them get on the right track. Try, "Walk inside," rather than "Stop running in the house."

Give information. Children think that rules pop out of nowhere. If you give them simple explanations about the limits you set, they can begin to learn how to make good decisions and rules for themselves. It also helps them feel more included: "I want you to walk in the house because the floors are slippery and there is a lot of furniture that you could bump into."

Offer choices or redirection. Most of the time children's misbehavior has a positive impulse behind it. If we take a minute, we might be able to help kids figure out a safe way to do what they want to do. "Would you like to run outside?" Or, "If you want to play actively inside, you could use the little trampoline." By the time children are 3 or 4, they can often come up with alternatives of their own. "It's not safe to run in the house, can you think of a safe place to run?"

Follow through. Once you have stated a limit, given information and choices, you may still need to follow through. This can be done using a final choice, "Can you stop yourself from running in the house, or shall I help you stop?" After the final choice, you may need to hold your child or help her move physically to a safe place. In some cases, when children can't stop themselves and verbal limits aren't enough, parents may need to provide physical help. This can be done respectfully, rather than punitively. If you think about holding children firmly and lovingly to provide safety, rather than angrily and hurtfully to punish, children will learn a much more positive lesson. It is important and liberating to know that you can follow through physically without hurting or scaring children.

Natural consequences. Sometimes you can let children experience the natural consequences of their actions as a way to learn about appropriate behavior. "if you aren't finished dressing in five minutes, we will arrive at school after the circle time has already started." "If you can't stop yourself from running in the house, you'll need to stay in the back yard until you can be safe in the house."

Find places to deal with your own strong feelings as a parent. Often spanking and punishment come from our own angry feelings as parents. If we can find other healthier outlets for those feelings, it may be easier for us to be clear, loving, supportive, firm and safe when setting limits with our children.