If you and your husband have decided to divorce, the kindest and most important thing you can do for your children is to tell them before you separate. It won't be easy to tell them that their father will be moving out, but they'll feel comforted by your honesty and reassured that you are keeping their concerns and interests in mind. Children get very frightened of being lost in the shuffle at this time. Here's advice on how to offer your children support and time to prepare for your separation.
When to Tell Them
If your children are five or younger, it's best to tell them a day or two before you separate. For school-age children, a few days to a week before will help them assimilate what you say. Adolescents often know their parents' plans weeks or even months ahead because they are often the confidants of one or both parents. But they should be told at least two weeks before the separation so they'll have the opportunity to discuss it with their best friends and think about how it will affect them and what lies ahead for all of you.
What if your spouse leaves or files for divorce suddenly? In this case, you can apologize to your children and admit candidly that you just learned of it, that you want to keep them informed and that had you known in advance you would have told them. This is no time to equivocate.
How to Tell Them
The best thing you can do is gather the children round during a quiet time that's not in the midst of normal activities like watching television, talking with a friend on the phone or doing homework. Tell them that you've decided to separate, what that means and when it will happen. Again, your goal is to assure your children that you're thinking about their well-being. Talk simply and slowly, and keep in mind that they'll remember forever what you are saying. They'll also remember what you don't say. Parents tend to be so worried about telling their children about the divorce that they rush through the process. You may want to get it over with so you can feel relieved. But if you fail to fully engage each child's attention, you'll miss an important opportunity to lay the foundation for the future of your post-divorce family.
Plan to tell your children about the divorce when both you and your spouse are going to be home for the next few days or through the weekend. Don't do it just before a business trip or when you're less available. If you can manage to talk to them together, by all means do so. It's far better to symbolize some harmony than to show anger at the other or point a finger in blame. If you can't cooperate, each parent should tell the children separately but take turns, one right after the other. If you can lay aside your anger momentarily, decide together beforehand what you're going to say so that your stories jibe. Parents owe their children the gift of civility and cooperation at this transformative moment in their lives. To offer even more comfort and assurance, tell them that you will be there the next morning and that you'll spend more time with them at bedtime.
Next page: Find out WHAT to tell your children about your decision to divorce
What to Tell Your Children about Your Decision to Divorce -- 7 Points to Cover
Many parents refrain from telling their children why they are breaking up because they think it puts the kids in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. But the opposite is true: Children who are provided with a rational age-appropriate explanation will learn that divorce is not a bolt from the blue but the result of an unavoidable error.
It is important to plan what you say to your children in advance. Since divorce is such a major life change, it's wise to have several conversations with your kids. Here are seven key issues to cover:
• Tell your children that when you were married you loved each other, so they won't feel they were conceived in anger.
• Tell them that they are not responsible for the separation and divorce, and highlight specific examples. For instance, "We are not getting a divorce because you didn't put your toys away."
• Ask your children what they think the word "divorce" means. You may be surprised by what they say.
• Tell them that you and their father will have separate homes, but that you will both continue to be their parents.
• Tell them about the custody and visiting arrangements you have in mind. Ask for their suggestions and assure them that you will consider their needs and wishes to every extent possible.
• Don't deprecate or scapegoat your spouse. Explain that because you and your husband can't make your marriage work, you've decided to divorce to help everyone in the family.
• For teenage children, tell them you want them to be happy in their relationships and eventually succeed in their marriages. Say, "I know you will be a loving young woman and will choose the right partner."
• Offer ongoing support. Explain that divorce is a "conversation for a lifetime" and is a subject that should remain open between you and your child.
Copyright 2003 Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Excerpted by permission from the book What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (Published by Hyperion; March 2003).
