by Sora Feldman

It's 3am. I wake from a light sleep as my infant daughter stirs beside me. Her eyes don't open, but she begins to make sucking movements and search for my breast with her open mouth. I move a little closer, and she latches on to nurse contentedly. We both drift effortlessly back into deep sleep. Behind me, my partner settles into a more comfortable position, oblivious to this third feeding of the night. He tells envious fellow dads that the baby hasn't disturbed his beauty sleep since she was three days old.

For most of human history, babies have slept with their mothers. Except in Western, industrialized nations, this is still accepted as the natural thing to do. But most parents in North America today have been raised on the cultural ideal of an angelic baby sleeping through the night, alone, in an immaculately decorated nursery.

It turns out that "ideal" isn't so easy to achieve. We are told that our babies need to learn to be "independent" and to go to sleep on their own. And so, on the advice of books, grandparents, friends, and "sleep-training" programs, babies cry themselves to sleep, night after heart wrenching night. As soon as they can climb out of the crib, they make it clear that they want to be with mommy and daddy. Some exhibit such persistence that the exhausted parents must allow their toddler into their bed -- or resort to such desperate measures as netting over the crib, locking the baby's bedroom door, or responding to night-time fears with threats and spankings. Bedtime becomes a battleground.

There is an easier way. When Tine Thevenin's The Family Bed was published in the 1970s, sleeping with your children was controversial. A lot of families did it, but few admitted it! But more and more parents are finding that the family bed is their ideal arrangement, bringing them peaceful nights and happy babies.



I sleep easily with my baby beside me, sharing in the same security she must feel. With my daughter in my bed, I don't have to wonder whether she's choking, or breathing, or too hot or cold, or if I'll hear her when she wakes up, or get to her in time if there's a fire. I can be certain that she is safe and content.

One of the reasons for our societal shift away from the family bed is an emphasis on autonomy and independence that solitary sleep seems to represent. Critics claim that sleeping with your baby will "spoil" him, and that he'll grow up clingy and dependent. But babies and young children are dependent on their parents, and that dependence is only outgrown gradually, at the child's unique pace. Developmental psychology teaches that before a child can seek to become independent, he must feel secure, and trust that the world is a safe place where his needs will be met. When parents respond quickly to baby's cries, use a sling or baby carrier during the day, and a family bed at night, children grow up to be more, not less, independent, confident, and self-assured.

Sleeping with your baby is an easy way to give him this security. One of the first things new parents learn is that babies needs don't go away just because the clock says 10pm (or midnight, or 4am ....) Parenting is a 24-hour job. Working parents especially often feel that they barely have any time to enjoy their child before the nightly bedtime battle. With a family bed, it is possible to get a good night's rest, and teach your child that you are there for him day or night. It's funny how night-time fears (parent's or child's!) disappear when everyone is snuggled up together.

One of the greatest joys of the family bed is waking up! Even the most reluctant morning person cannot fail to be charmed by a smiling, cooing baby greeting the day with delight.



Most older research that was done on infant sleep patterns assumed that the normal infant sleeping environment was a crib in a separate room. One of the first to challenge this idea was Dr. James McKenna, an anthropologist and widely published expert on infant sleep. Dr. McKenna asserts that from an anthropological and evolutionary perspective, the opposite is true: babies are designed to sleep beside their mothers!

We all spend the night moving between wakefulness, light REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, and deep, quiet sleep from which it is difficult to wake up. In Dr. McKenna's studies of the sleep patterns of mothers and babies sleeping together, he found "striking" overlap in sleep patterns. The "unfolding of particular sleep stages and awake periods of the mother and infant become entwined and ...throughout the night, much sensory communication is occurring between them." [source: McKenna, "Sleep and arousal patterns of co-sleeping mother/infant pairs: a preliminary physiological study with implications for the study of sudden infant death syndrome.", Am-J-Phys-Anthropol, 83(3):331-47, 1990.]

These synchronous arousals have immense practical value for a new parent. For an infant, arousal, or waking, is quickly followed cries of "feed me!" A mother who shares her bed with her baby naturally wakes at the same time as, or moments before, her child. It is easy to latch the baby on to the breast without fully waking up. Especially in the early months, mothers (and fathers) who use a family bed will be much better rested than those who are woken from deep sleep by the wails of a hungry baby!

Aside from making night-time feedings effortless, shared sleep patterns may also play a role in reducing the risk of SIDS. SIDS, or sudden infant death syndrome, takes the lives of thousands of seemingly healthy babies every year. There are many theories, but no one has yet determined what causes SIDS, or if it can be prevented. Dr. William Sears, pediatrician and father of eight, has written a book on SIDS in which he discusses the current research and formulates a plausible theory of the cause of SIDS. He believes that the family bed (his preferred term is "shared sleep") can reduce the risk of SIDS because the presence of the mother helps the infant to regulate his sleep states and breathing patterns. This idea is supported by cross-cultural research. Where the family bed is the norm, rates of SIDS are far lower than among populations of solitary sleepers.

A study comparing the sleeping patterns of twenty-two infants who later died of SIDS, to an age-matched control group, found that the SIDS-susceptible infants had more and longer periods of deep sleep. This was most significant in the early morning hours, when SIDS most often occurs. [source: Schechtman, "Sleep state organization in normal infants and victims of the sudden infant death syndrome.", Pediatrics, 89 (5 Pt 1):865-70, 1992.] Dr. McKenna's research suggests that a mother sharing her bed with her infant will breastfeed three times more often during the night than one who sleeps in another room. Having the baby in your bed makes it easy to check and adjust her position, and bedding, and most sleep-sharing mothers do this many times during the night. For a SIDS-susceptible infant, these patterns could be life-saving.



One common question is, "Aren't you afraid you'll roll over on the baby?" My immediate answer is "Aren't you afraid you'll roll off your bed?" Parents who sleep with their babies develop a heightened sensitivity to their child's sleep patterns and nighttime needs. Awake or asleep, I am constantly aware of where my daughter is.

However, overlying, or rolling onto the baby and smothering it, does happen, although it is very rare. It is almost always the result of a parent who has been drinking, using sleep-altering medication, or sleeping with an infant on a full-wave waterbed. In one recent, tragic case, overlying was implicated in the death of a newborn who had not even been discharged from the hospital yet. The mother, who was taking pain medication following a cesarean delivery, had fallen asleep while breast feeding in bed.

Is the possibility of overlying reason not to bring the baby into bed with you? Definitely not! According to Katherine Dettwyler Ph.D., Associate Professor of Anthropology at Texas A&M University and Specialist in Infant Nutrition, "the average, typical parent sleeping on a good mattress will be very aware of their infant and not roll over on it. The baby probably has a greater chance of dying of SIDS from solitary sleeping than of dying from overlying while in bed with the parent. It is suspected that many supposedly accidental cases of overlying/smothering were not accidents at all." In fact, in the middle ages, overlying was a method of infanticide. It was considered an easy way to get rid of unwanted babies, and was unquestionably intentional! In SIDS, Dr. Sears' states that based on the current research and his experience as a pediatrician and a father, he is convinced that "the safest place for a baby to sleep is with its mother." This is qualified, however: the parents must take reasonable precautions for their child's safety. Just as there are crib safety guidelines to prevent accidents and infant death due to unsafe bedding, there are safety guidelines for the family bed. Don't be intimidated by the list; the guidelines are mostly parental common sense. Caution is most important when sleeping with babies who are not yet old enough to crawl.

  • Use a large bed -- preferably a king-sized -- so there is plenty of room for everyone
  • Place a guard rail on the bed, or place the mattress on the floor instead of the bed frame
  • If the bed is against the wall, make sure there is not a crack between the wall and the mattress that the baby could get trapped in
  • Do not over wrap or bundle the baby
  • Put the baby between mother and the wall or guard rail, not between mother and father -- fathers are not usually as "in tune" with the baby as breast feeding mothers
  • Do not sleep with the baby on a couch, and be careful not to fall asleep if you are breast feeding the baby on a couch
  • Do not allow a young baby to sleep next to older siblings
  • Don't share your bed with a baby if:
    • You have been drinking or using recreational drugs
    • You have taken any medication that affects your arousability from sleep
    • You are extremely obese
    • The bed is a water bed
    • The bed is too small for the number of people in it
    • You are afraid that you might not be aware of the baby when you are asleep

In cases where having the baby in bed would be unwise, the answer might be a sidecar arrangement (a crib with one side removed pushed against the bed, with the mattresses at the same level and a blanket covering the crack). Or, the baby could sleep in a bassinet beside the bed, or in a crib in the parents' room. This allows for many of the advantages of the family bed, without taking unnecessary risks.

Some parents really don't feel comfortable with a family bed. That's fine too! The ideal sleeping solution is the one that works for your family. Some infants are more content to sleep alone than others. Some absolutely insist on the family bed, while others actually seem to sleep better with less distraction.

Some of the advantages of the family bed -- for instance, safety issues for a very young infant -- can be addressed without actually bringing the baby into your bed. It's probably a good idea for a newborn to sleep in your room for at least the first few months. It will make it easier for you to attend the baby's night-time needs and still get the rest you need. A bassinet beside the bed, or the sidecar arrangement discussed above, work very well for some families.

Even if you don't think the family bed is for you, try to keep an open mind about the possibility. Most parents do end up having their children in their beds some of the time. For some, its weekend mornings; others, when the children are sick or have nightmares. Some parents use it as a last resort when they're desperate for sleep and the baby won't stop crying. And for others, it's the nightly routine. If you do try it out, remember to use the safety guidelines.



These are not safety issues, but comfort issues, and they're sometimes not obvious until you've been there at 3am!

  • Thrashing and kicking often comes from overheated children. Many kids need far less clothing than adults do, especially when they're snuggled next to warm bodies.
  • Keep everybody's toenails short.
  • There's nothing wrong with going to bed at the same time your kid(s) do(es). Everybody needs enough sleep. Tell dinner guests to come early because you go to bed early...
  • Keep a supply of beach towels next to the bed and a waterproof mattress pad when toilet training has started. (The beach towels are for soaking up the pee, and then covering any remaining dampness so you can go back to bed without sleeping on a wet spot or changing sheets before morning.) This tip is also useful in the early months of breast feeding when you may leak through breast pad, bra, and nightgown between one feeding and the next.
  • Get the biggest bed(s) you can fit in your room.
  • Have fun, and enjoy those warm and snuggly moments!

Copyright 1996 by Sora Feldman. This article is protected in full by international copyright conventions and may not be reproduced in any manner, including electronic, without prior written permission from the author.

RATE IT
Loading .....
Loading .....